💭 tdtp: motherhood confessions

​i feel guilty admitting this, but there are times i wish i never had kids or got married.

i love my kids and husband more than anything, but there are moments when i just daydream about what my life would be like at this point if i didn’t have them. the freedom of doing whatever i wanted, having more financial security, being ALONE, being able to travel, getting to decorate my house the way i want without things being broken or misplaced all of the time… i just wish i had that life sometimes. 

a life where my conversations are more than just about my days as a mom… a life where i could do whatever i wanted and putting myself and my needs first… a life where i have friends and fun… a life where i can focus on my wellbeing and advancing my career without feeling guilty… one where it wouldn’t be so hard to find the time to be simply myself. i could write to my penpals in a timely manner without being interrupted, or see a movie on a whim, or only have to fold my own laundry. 

a trip out of the house without strapping the baby into her carrier and correcting little man with "don't touch", "use listening ears", "put that back". being able to go on day trips with no planning, just vibes. taking my time shopping without thinking when the next feed is or if someone has to go potty - or just being able to shop without the forefront thought always being "xyz would love this", "xyz needs this". i could go to the library, or cafe, or a hike, with just me and my thoughts and desires. god, it all sounds like heaven to me. i absolutely love being alone and without a plan for the day, and that's just something you can't get when you're married with kids. 

i love my kids so, so much. i get teary eyed with happiness when they laugh and the thought of anything happening to them enrages me. i strive for them to be smart and successful and content, with a love for them that cannot be matched or described with words. i look in my rear view mirror, see the two car seats back there, and i smile. i pour over their mementos and photos with such a care and sweetness that no one else but a fellow mom could understand why these little pieces of their childhood are so precious. each of my kids has their own 400+ capacity polaroid album (and little man's is almost full) that are filled with the best moments of their childhoods. i LOVE my kids and my husband.

but sometimes. i can just see that version of me out of the corner of my eye. just out of reach, just a few different decisions made, just a few years back. it haunts me like an ex. like an incomplete journal. like when you have to save over a game file and know that you'll never get that data back. that girl that could've been, only a whisker away.

until next time, ciao.

💭 tdtp: what i've been interested in lately!!

recently, i've been keeping up with a few news stories, trends, and new youtubers. the latter is definitely out of the ordinary for me because i usually stick to the same few content creators and rarely expand my horizons on youtube, mostly because i feel too lazy to invest my attention into new channels and stick around to learn their lore.

i'm a true crime junkie to my core - i took a forensics class as an elective in my junior year of high school (which was like, 10 years ago omg) and have loved the subject since then, and it's also gotten me interested in unusual news stories in general. the lindsey clancy case and mckenna wells situation both have me captivated right now! if you don't know what they are, i highly recommend researching and reading up on their current statuses right now. with the jury deliberating on the clancy case as i speak, i want to share my own two cents. do i think she did it? i'm not convinced she did it, but i'm also not positive the husband did it either... but there are so many inconsistencies with his testimony and the investigation overall that are hard to overlook. it's obvious she was searching and begging for help, and as a mom going through the post-partum phase a second time, her story is all too familiar. i literally saw my PCP today to switch from lexapro to zoloft + propranolol to deal with my anxiety. then there's mckenna wells and the custody situation with the biological parents. in my humble opinion, a contract is a contract and at the end of the day, a surrogate is quite literally a human incubator for another couple (it sounds harsh, but that is the goal of surrogacy by definition and practice). i don't think she had any right to choose to not abort the child, considering it was not her child and she doesn't even plan to keep the child, apparently she has plans to have her brother adopt the baby! absolute insanity to me that it's even a discussion.

i also like to follow some trends and try some out every once in awhile. one of the trends i've bought into and - unfortunately for me - have discovered is worth the hype are the elf cheek and bronzer stains. i have the latte one and the burgundy one and they are just as great as tiktok makes them seem. i love the natural, worn-in make-up look they give!! i've also been trying out a filofax-style planner since january and i've honestly loved utilizing it after creating my own journal pages in canva to put in it. i'll have to share those pages once i figure out how to share files on here. i usually always struggle with keeping up with planners and fighting the urge to be "aesthetic" all of the time, especially when the planner has a layout for every aspect of your life. so, i made my own. it only has a month layout and a weekly layout so i don't feel overwhelmed with using it. plus having a physical planner feels better than a digital one because it seems like events get deleted from them somehow. i've also started making my layout for next year!! 

on youtube i've recently discovered the channel "under a tin roof" and i have to admit she is addictive to watch. i love asmr, farmlife, and food, so her videos are great passive watches. both of her video styles, farm house vs townhouse living, are aesthetically pleasing to watch and are nice to escape to. 

the last thing i want to quickly share is DOLLY PARTON!! what a loss to us all. the finest humanitarian there ever was, such a wonderful woman, and a beautiful soul. 

it's always nice updating the blog and having fun sharing a little splurt of myself, and just gabbing about what i've been into lately is an easy way to do that. 

until next time, ciao!!

💭 tdtp: 3 quotes i live by

 

"do what you can, with what you have, where you are." -teddy roosevelt

this is my all time favorite quote, and it's even in my email signature. it reminds me that i don't have to wait for the perfect conditions to make something happen in my life. i can always be working towards a goal, because moving an inch closer is better than having miles of intentions with no action. i might not have my forever house for my family right now, but i can still make it feel cozy and comforting! i might not have the life that i dream of at the moment, but i can make the life i am living currently bright and wonderful! i'm someone who is constantly wanting to improve on something in my life but struggles to find the "right time" to start. i can't spend my life waiting on what-if's and could-be's when i could spend my time being in the moment.

"wherever you go, you take yourself with you." -neil gaiman

this quote came to me in my teenage years and at a very emotionally vulnerable time for me. i've always been one to daydream of living freely and nomadically, never wanting to be tied down, and i came across this quote in high school when all i was doing was thinking of traveling. i was also in a deep depression and thought that leaving my home and family would be the answer to being happy, when in reality whatever place i ended up in, i would still be with myself and my depression. i would still be stuck with the inner troubles i had because you can't physically run away from those things, they always follow you. i still moved out of state for college and believed it was the answer to feeling joy, but it really ended up also being some of the loneliest times in my life. this still sticks with me today because i still often talk to my husband about uprooting our lives and moving to the wild skies of montana to start a farm, or to the PNW and have a home in the dense forests, or to NYC and live out a big city life, or to europe and reside in the hilly countryside of france where our children could learn to be bilingual. but in reality, i have to learn to be happy with who i am as a person.

"your best can look different everyday." -unknown

being a human means being dynamic. you are not the same person you were yesterday and you won't be the same tomorrow. a little part of you changes everyday as you live and learn, as you experience life. i've come to accept that this also means my best efforts one day are going to be different than another day. today i might feel energized and motivated to clean my entire house top to bottom, while tomorrow i might barely get out of bed to brush my teeth - and both of those things are okay. not everyday has to be productive and not everyday has to feel relaxed. i am constantly changing, growing, shifting, experiencing, and becoming. this is also something i tell my students often to reassure them that it's okay to not be perfect everyday and that i don't expect them to be, i just need them to put forth as much effort as they have that day and we can worry about tomorrow when we get there.

honorable mention: "people have thrown dirt on my name, others have given flowers. it's all a garden to me." -barbara howard, "abbott elementary"

what are some of your favorite quotes? do you have any that changed your perspective on life? do any of the quotes i've listed hit home for you?

until next time, ciao!!

🖋️ diary entry #4

 

another very good day! 

little man and baby girl slept in until nearly 10 today, so we had a very late start, which i don't mind at all. we planned on meeting up with my sister and two nieces at a play place not too far from us. we grabbed some mickey d's on the way there (sidenote: snack wraps are sooo good!!)

we got to the area early, so we stopped by a target and took a little looksy at the halloween and fall decor. my son is OBSESSED with halloween and has been ever since he was really little after watching the nightmare before christmas for the first time. he loves pumpkins, ghosts, skeletons, and to dress up. i got him a little $3 ghost toy from the dollar section before we went to finally meet up with my sister. i'd never been to this place before, but it was super cool and my son loved it. i'm definitely going to take him back there soon.

just a short and sweet entry today, nothing crazy. again, i really enjoy logging my thoughts and activities like this. very therapeutic. 

until next time, ciao!!

🫶 official blog description time!!

 

🖋️ diary entry #3

 

this is the best day i've had this week so far!! i felt emotionally and mentally at peace, and felt super productive and positive. 

we didn't go on a walk this morning because i slept in with baby girl while little man watched numberblocks for a little bit. with the weather we've been having, if i don't get out and in before 9am, it becomes too hot to have the kids outside. so we took it slow, went to 7brew with some free drink rewards, then came home and made breakfast and i started on chores.

i finally tackled baby girl's room today - there were piles of laundry everywhere that needed to be sorted and put up, and i've only got the clothes that need hanging left to do. it feels so good to be able to walk into her room now and not feel overwhelmed. i also got around to little man's room, washing his bedding and putting away his toys. i'll be taking care of his laundry tomorrow now that his room isn't a tornado of a mess. if you can't tell, laundry is my least favorite chore and i have a bad habit of letting it pile up (lol) before i get around to putting it away.

i also felt so much more patient with little man today, especially during times where i would normally lose my cool. it's a matter of me forcibly reminding myself to be calm, give chances, and that he's only 4 and still adjusting and learning. i read some books to him while i rocked baby girl to sleep.

and then the best part of my day happened... A PAYCHECK HIT 🤪 

before i became a sahm, i was contracted to work at a private school for my 3rd year of teaching. unfortunately, it unexpectedly didn't work out for many reasons, and i resigned as a result. but i was a contract employee for 6 days so i got paid for that time, and really it came at just the right moment when i was feeling really stressed about finances and not feeling like i'm contributing to the household. it wasn't much, but it was something to help us so i'm grateful. it meant i could go get groceries a day early (since hubby is paid every friday) and kind of lift some of that financial stress off of his shoulders this week. 

i dropped some clothes and diapers off at goodwill that don't fit baby girl anymore, got a few items at kroger (my sister got me hooked on bloom energy drinks and drizzilicious snacks) and finished up my shopping at aldi. baby girl luckily slept the ENTIRE time, and i had dropped little man off at my parents while i went out just so i could make it a little easier on myself. he got to hang out and go swimming, so he was happy.

so yeah, today was a really good day. my head felt clear, i didn't feel like i was missing the mark on everything. i wish everyday could feel like today. 

until next time, ciao!!

🖋️ diary entry #2

 

it was a fairly good day today <3 i took the kids on a walk this morning before it got too hot and we did the typical mile that i aim for. baby girl didn't nap this time, but was smiling and looking around at the lights and shadows underneath the stroller cover, and little man wasn't too hot and brought along his ghost beanie baby. when we got home, i made little man some bacon and eggs and myself some oatmeal with brewer's yeast and a coffee (i did make some bacon for myself but it was confiscated by a hungry little dude lol). 

now, let me preface this next part by admitting that i am not a very skilled cook. my parents made fairly bland and boring meals growing up, so i didn't have much of an example when i became an adult. so when my husband asked me to cook purple hull peas, i agreed to try... and try i did. i browned some bacon, threw in the peas with some chicken broth, water, and salt, put it on low and figured it was like a crock pot situation. 

well, i was very, very wrong. i left with the kids to go to my parents for a little bit to hang out and print out some preschool activities for little man, and came back to this after a couple of hours:

so, needless to say, my husband was very sad. oops!! my house luckily wasn't smokey but instead smelt like tasty bacon, but i have definitely learned my lesson. i feel bad because it's no longer purple hull pea season, so he'll have to wait until next year to have the dish he wants - but maybe then i'll also be a better cook. that's a goal of mine in general, so this was kind of a wake up call to how inexperienced i really am. this was literally my face when i saw the pot lmao

i took little man and my niece swimming at my parent's house while my mom watched baby girl for a little bit. it was nice getting in the pool during such a bad heatwave, and it was fun getting to be with the kids and have some quality time with them. 

i also felt like i was more patient with little man today than i was yesterday, and did a better job of staying calm with him when my nervous system was literally ringing bells and flashing lights in my brain. i came to the realization that he probably is struggling with splitting my attention between himself and sister, and he does certain things to get my attention again because he's still adjusting to not being an only child. this coincides with my admission in the previous diary entry that i need to make more time to play and teach him, and just give him his mommy time.

i really enjoy putting my thoughts, feelings, and nonsense into this format of a blog. not only does it make me feel more regulated, i also feel like i've accomplished something, even if no one is reading my posts. i don't mind being in an echo chamber, i've been a pretty private and introverted person my whole life. at least here i can express myself anonymously without feeling constrained by other's thoughts and opinions, unlike places like facebook and tiktok where people i know are my followers/friends.

well, until next time, ciao!!

🍂 fall bucket list 🎃

 

my bucket list for this fall season!! i do a lot of these things already every year, so not all of them are new, but i always enjoy participating in traditions, like pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice drinks, and roasting marshmallows.

we always go to a different pumpkin patch in october, and i'm excited to start looking for which one we will go to this year, especially now that we have another addition to our family to take!! obviously with having kids, we always try to choose one that has a lot of activities (and preferably also a petting zoo). however, i haven't been very good at keeping carving/painting pumpkins a tradition, and i really want to make it one, so i'm going to try and do that this year with my family. 

i already have a ton of fall decorations for inside my home, but i definitely need some more outdoor pieces. maybe some scarecrows and fake pumpkins/gourds? i like the americana style of seasonal decorations, and it's relatively easy to come across those in thrift stores. earlier this year i also dried and hung orange and grapefruit slices on a garland for my house, so maybe i can do something similar for outside that won't be eaten by birds and bugs.

one item on this list that i haven't done is go to a fall festival or market. i have been to small ones that were advertised as such, but they definitely didn't give off the "autumn" vibe i was looking for, so i'll have to find some this year that meet my expectations a bit more. i have a dream of going to salem, massachusetts in the fall one day, as well as the PNW area, just because of the amazing fall vibes they give off!!

do you have anything on your fall bucket list that isn't listed here? do you have any fall traditions in your house?

until next time, ciao!!

🖋️ diary entry #1

today was a normal day. my daughter had her 2 month appointment this morning and she got her first set of shots - she did as well as a baby could do, but my heart did ache for her when she started crying. my son was there as well, but i couldn't see his reaction to his sister getting shots because i was trying to video it for my husband. my son did ask if his baby sister was going to be sad because of the shots, and i told him yes and that no one likes shots, and he agreed that he did not like them either lol. then we swung through CFA after i found a gift card in my wallet. funds are tight with me not having a job right now, so randomly finding that card was nice, and my son got to have a little ice cream too.

i feel the need to be more present with him. he's 4 and i feel like i've been terrible at spending playtime with him and teaching him basic things for preschool. so, today, i spent a little time with him playing in his room while sister slept. but i still found myself snapping at him for little things and forgetting my patience. i need to bring this up to my pcp when i see her next week for a post-partum conversation. i'll do better with him tomorrow.

baby girl was pretty tuckered out after the shots and slept nearly the rest of the day. once, when she did wake up, she was inconsolable, so i gave her some tylenol per the doctor's instructions, and it really seemed to help ease her pain, as the rest of the night up until bedtime she was much calmer. i'm hoping she won't wake up too much during the night more than normal.

i probably need to keep finding and applying to jobs tomorrow, even though i really don't want to return to work just quite yet. i didn't put my son into daycare until he was a year old and even then i worked at the daycare, so he had me with him still until he was about 2.5, then he went to another daycare without me when i started a new job. so, the idea of sending my daughter into daycare so young and without me... it tears me apart. i just can't do it. i want to wait until at least a year like i did with my boy, even if it means we have to be on tight budgets until then.

i'm not sure what i'm planning on doing tomorrow. laundry is definitely on my list, as it is literally everyday, and i really need to tidy up baby's room so it can actually be functional. i did my son's room last week and purged things and organized, and i did my closet a few weeks ago, so now it's time for her room. but i'm lazy XD i might go over to my parent's house for a little bit too, just to hang out. it can feel lonely here at the house with the kids, but i also hate feeling like an intrusion when i go over there. but at least i'll get some adult interaction and give my boy some time to play with his cousin, maybe even go in the pool.

well, that's all i've got for today. i don't know if i'll do the diary entries daily, but i think they will be very often as this is new and exciting to me, even if no one is reading it. it feels therapeutic, which isn't surprising to me since i've always been one to journal my thoughts and feelings.

until next time, ciao!!

 this is my first post!! i'm excited to start a little blog corner for myself :-)