💭 tdtp: motherhood confessions

​i feel guilty admitting this, but there are times i wish i never had kids or got married.

i love my kids and husband more than anything, but there are moments when i just daydream about what my life would be like at this point if i didn’t have them. the freedom of doing whatever i wanted, having more financial security, being ALONE, being able to travel, getting to decorate my house the way i want without things being broken or misplaced all of the time… i just wish i had that life sometimes. 

a life where my conversations are more than just about my days as a mom… a life where i could do whatever i wanted and putting myself and my needs first… a life where i have friends and fun… a life where i can focus on my wellbeing and advancing my career without feeling guilty… one where it wouldn’t be so hard to find the time to be simply myself. i could write to my penpals in a timely manner without being interrupted, or see a movie on a whim, or only have to fold my own laundry. 

a trip out of the house without strapping the baby into her carrier and correcting little man with "don't touch", "use listening ears", "put that back". being able to go on day trips with no planning, just vibes. taking my time shopping without thinking when the next feed is or if someone has to go potty - or just being able to shop without the forefront thought always being "xyz would love this", "xyz needs this". i could go to the library, or cafe, or a hike, with just me and my thoughts and desires. god, it all sounds like heaven to me. i absolutely love being alone and without a plan for the day, and that's just something you can't get when you're married with kids. 

i love my kids so, so much. i get teary eyed with happiness when they laugh and the thought of anything happening to them enrages me. i strive for them to be smart and successful and content, with a love for them that cannot be matched or described with words. i look in my rear view mirror, see the two car seats back there, and i smile. i pour over their mementos and photos with such a care and sweetness that no one else but a fellow mom could understand why these little pieces of their childhood are so precious. each of my kids has their own 400+ capacity polaroid album (and little man's is almost full) that are filled with the best moments of their childhoods. i LOVE my kids and my husband.

but sometimes. i can just see that version of me out of the corner of my eye. just out of reach, just a few different decisions made, just a few years back. it haunts me like an ex. like an incomplete journal. like when you have to save over a game file and know that you'll never get that data back. that girl that could've been, only a whisker away.

until next time, ciao.

💭 tdtp: what i've been interested in lately!!

recently, i've been keeping up with a few news stories, trends, and new youtubers. the latter is definitely out of the ordinary for me because i usually stick to the same few content creators and rarely expand my horizons on youtube, mostly because i feel too lazy to invest my attention into new channels and stick around to learn their lore.

i'm a true crime junkie to my core - i took a forensics class as an elective in my junior year of high school (which was like, 10 years ago omg) and have loved the subject since then, and it's also gotten me interested in unusual news stories in general. the lindsey clancy case and mckenna wells situation both have me captivated right now! if you don't know what they are, i highly recommend researching and reading up on their current statuses right now. with the jury deliberating on the clancy case as i speak, i want to share my own two cents. do i think she did it? i'm not convinced she did it, but i'm also not positive the husband did it either... but there are so many inconsistencies with his testimony and the investigation overall that are hard to overlook. it's obvious she was searching and begging for help, and as a mom going through the post-partum phase a second time, her story is all too familiar. i literally saw my PCP today to switch from lexapro to zoloft + propranolol to deal with my anxiety. then there's mckenna wells and the custody situation with the biological parents. in my humble opinion, a contract is a contract and at the end of the day, a surrogate is quite literally a human incubator for another couple (it sounds harsh, but that is the goal of surrogacy by definition and practice). i don't think she had any right to choose to not abort the child, considering it was not her child and she doesn't even plan to keep the child, apparently she has plans to have her brother adopt the baby! absolute insanity to me that it's even a discussion.

i also like to follow some trends and try some out every once in awhile. one of the trends i've bought into and - unfortunately for me - have discovered is worth the hype are the elf cheek and bronzer stains. i have the latte one and the burgundy one and they are just as great as tiktok makes them seem. i love the natural, worn-in make-up look they give!! i've also been trying out a filofax-style planner since january and i've honestly loved utilizing it after creating my own journal pages in canva to put in it. i'll have to share those pages once i figure out how to share files on here. i usually always struggle with keeping up with planners and fighting the urge to be "aesthetic" all of the time, especially when the planner has a layout for every aspect of your life. so, i made my own. it only has a month layout and a weekly layout so i don't feel overwhelmed with using it. plus having a physical planner feels better than a digital one because it seems like events get deleted from them somehow. i've also started making my layout for next year!! 

on youtube i've recently discovered the channel "under a tin roof" and i have to admit she is addictive to watch. i love asmr, farmlife, and food, so her videos are great passive watches. both of her video styles, farm house vs townhouse living, are aesthetically pleasing to watch and are nice to escape to. 

the last thing i want to quickly share is DOLLY PARTON!! what a loss to us all. the finest humanitarian there ever was, such a wonderful woman, and a beautiful soul. 

it's always nice updating the blog and having fun sharing a little splurt of myself, and just gabbing about what i've been into lately is an easy way to do that. 

until next time, ciao!!

💭 tdtp: 3 quotes i live by

 

"do what you can, with what you have, where you are." -teddy roosevelt

this is my all time favorite quote, and it's even in my email signature. it reminds me that i don't have to wait for the perfect conditions to make something happen in my life. i can always be working towards a goal, because moving an inch closer is better than having miles of intentions with no action. i might not have my forever house for my family right now, but i can still make it feel cozy and comforting! i might not have the life that i dream of at the moment, but i can make the life i am living currently bright and wonderful! i'm someone who is constantly wanting to improve on something in my life but struggles to find the "right time" to start. i can't spend my life waiting on what-if's and could-be's when i could spend my time being in the moment.

"wherever you go, you take yourself with you." -neil gaiman

this quote came to me in my teenage years and at a very emotionally vulnerable time for me. i've always been one to daydream of living freely and nomadically, never wanting to be tied down, and i came across this quote in high school when all i was doing was thinking of traveling. i was also in a deep depression and thought that leaving my home and family would be the answer to being happy, when in reality whatever place i ended up in, i would still be with myself and my depression. i would still be stuck with the inner troubles i had because you can't physically run away from those things, they always follow you. i still moved out of state for college and believed it was the answer to feeling joy, but it really ended up also being some of the loneliest times in my life. this still sticks with me today because i still often talk to my husband about uprooting our lives and moving to the wild skies of montana to start a farm, or to the PNW and have a home in the dense forests, or to NYC and live out a big city life, or to europe and reside in the hilly countryside of france where our children could learn to be bilingual. but in reality, i have to learn to be happy with who i am as a person.

"your best can look different everyday." -unknown

being a human means being dynamic. you are not the same person you were yesterday and you won't be the same tomorrow. a little part of you changes everyday as you live and learn, as you experience life. i've come to accept that this also means my best efforts one day are going to be different than another day. today i might feel energized and motivated to clean my entire house top to bottom, while tomorrow i might barely get out of bed to brush my teeth - and both of those things are okay. not everyday has to be productive and not everyday has to feel relaxed. i am constantly changing, growing, shifting, experiencing, and becoming. this is also something i tell my students often to reassure them that it's okay to not be perfect everyday and that i don't expect them to be, i just need them to put forth as much effort as they have that day and we can worry about tomorrow when we get there.

honorable mention: "people have thrown dirt on my name, others have given flowers. it's all a garden to me." -barbara howard, "abbott elementary"

what are some of your favorite quotes? do you have any that changed your perspective on life? do any of the quotes i've listed hit home for you?

until next time, ciao!!